Coming Back From the Devastation of Divorce and Quick Summary of Takeaways

 Hello and welcome All,

This week's post may be the last for a while. I also may redefine this blog and continue it later, in another direction. 

Parenting is difficult. That can be said about biological children but even more so about step children. "You're not my real mom!" it a phrase that was very often used among my friend group as a joke. Then I got an actual step mom and it wasn't a joke anymore. It was a daily thing that ran through my head. She wasn't my mom, so why was she going around telling me what to do and punishing me when I didn't do what she wanted. Who gave her power over me at the words "I do"? This was insanity. Well, there are some more effective ways to go about what she had to do and I am going to tell you about them and some other patterns that developed in my home over time as we all lived together and actually became a family. 

The first thing I would say is that the heavy punishment should be carried out by the birth parent. In fact, for the first while, I think almost, if not all, the the punishment should be taken care of by the original parent that a child has had. There is a saying that goes something like, "after a reprimand, show forth an increased amount of love." Well, to have that love received, the person on the receiving end will need to believe that it is genuine. When a new parent is suddenly in the home that has previously been only birth parents and siblings, then there is very rarely an understanding that there is love for all the children, and if there is it is most assuredly not equal. With this in mind, it may be easier to understand why a child will not take reprimand or correction very well from the new step parent, at least not for a a while. This while will most likely be two years at the minimum. That is the stat that Michael Popkins has found in his familial research. It is definitely on a family by family basis though. Every newly blended family will need to feel and figure things out for themselves. 

The second thing I would like to talk about is that those first two or so years should be spent doing as many relationship building things as possible as a WHOLE FAMILY. As the saying goes, "the whole fam damily." If not done as a whole family, then the synergy that is hoped for will never come about. This turns family members against each other and introduces a chance to blame in the mix. It can be a really bad thing. Also, individual relationships must be build, both between each and every sibling and their other siblings as well as between each and and every child and both parents. If you say, "but what about families that have three parents in the household?," then I would ask you to read back on my post about marriage and family creation as well as the one about parenting and boundaries. 

Those are my tips for the newly blended families in this world. If you want more, please comment and I will do my best to provide more info about your questions or comments. This is a really nuanced subject that is easier said than experienced and lived through and put into practice in our own families. 

I will now sum up my learnings from this semester in the area of family relations. 

    Date and court carefully. As romantic as it sounds to "fall" into love, it is much safer to weigh the options and choose to either step further into or out of the relationship. 

    Get married only after twelve to twenty-four months of dating. Three months is only enough time to BEGIN to know someone. My mother did that and so have many of my friends. It often does not end well. When dating AND being a parent, date longer. Involve the kids, ESPECIALLY if they are older children that are going to have their own thoughts and opinions that will need to be respected. 

    Have kids, when and in the numbers that you, your spouse, and God find appropriate. This is something that no other person should get a say in, as it is an extremely sacred and special choice to make and experience to have. Also, those other people won't be the ones getting up in the middle of the night to get puked on. 

    There are so many other things. I leave you with this: live the life God would want you to have, as best as you can. Be honest with yourself about what that looks like and prayerfully ask for direction, then faithfully act on it. You've got this!

Sincerely, 

-AR