Concerning Rules, Expectations vs Agreements

 Hello all,

I have been thinking this week about systems and the rules that govern them. We have the natural world, which is subject to the laws of physics(and some things we just don't understand yet). We have the spiritual world, which is subject to spiritual laws. At the intersection of those worlds, I find families. It is within the relationship of marriage that the spiritual world and the physical world are meant to meet in the process of child bearing and rearing. 

Families have rules. I think we can all agree on that. Some rules are stated outright and some are not talked about at all. These are called implicit and explicit rules. I'll give some examples just to be sure we are all on the same page. At my dad's house, I was given a curfew. As I got older, my curfew got stretched to be later and later into the night. This was standardized and practiced with every child in the household. A rule that we had that was not stated was this: DO NOT spray the garden hose into the kitchen window! Now, we all might see this as a bad idea, but at the time is seemed like a reasonable escalation of the sibling water fight. 

With those examples of implicit and explicit rules in mind, I would like to introduce a related concept. Expectations vs. Agreements. An expectation would be anything that is thought to be understood by one party, but is never communicated to the parties that are supposed to either do or not do the behavior at hand. An agreement is when all parties involved in the situation communicate their beliefs about what should or should not happen, common ground is found, and commitments to action or abstention are made. The difference between these two situations is the communication involved. 

As an autistic man, implicit rules and expectations were the bane of my existence. I did not understand the things people wanted me to do unless they communicated it directly with me. I cannot speak to the the experiences of neuro-typical children, but I would imagine that growing children struggle with similar misunderstandings and miscommunications. 

I have learned through the years that it is not just children that struggle with these expected rules and behaviors. Adults also have this experience; the whole human family. I plan to discuss things very clearly with my future spouse and children. Rules will be laid out and written up so we are all on the same page. As my children age, I will discuss with them the reasons behind the rules their mother and I set out for the household. In the relationship between my spouse and I, communication will be key. Behaviors, or the lack thereof, will be agreed upon at every possible turn. 

We cannot know everything to talk about at once, which is why revisiting rules and agreements regularly is needed. I can seen this work in my own apartment. We hold an apartment meeting at the beginning of every semester and set up agreements shared by every member of the apartment. When something goes wrong, we can meet again and we often do meet multiple times a semester. It creates a forum for respectful feedback and allows people the chance to prepare themselves to receive such feedback. 

Roommates are good practice for folks who didn't have safe homes. I wish you all a safe home, and hope you can build your own if you never have had one. 

Sincerely,

-AR